"If you cannot express yourself on any subject, struggle until you can. If you do not, someone will be the poorer all the days of his life. Struggle to re-express some truth of God to yourself, and God will use that expression to someone else. Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle to get expression experimentally, then there will come a time when that expression will become the very wine of strengthening to someone else; but if you say lazily - "I am not going to struggle to express this thing for myself, I will borrow what I say," the expression will not only be of no use to you, but of no use to anyone. Try to state to yourself what you feel implicitly to be God's truth, and you give God a chance to pass it on to someone else through you.

Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance."
-Oswald Chambers

I have had some really interesting conversations over the last few months, about growth, struggle, questions, etc. etc. I was recently flipping through "My Utmost for His Highest", read this, and was instantly reminded of this facinating little blog I have here and how I am able to express myself, for better or for worse, to this bizzare abyss. After my last post I had someone share their concerns with me about where I am at spiritually. Which made me a bit sad. On one hand I want so badly to be able to say- yes I am the same Bess I was then and the same Bess you expect and want me to be, fear not. Some days I feel as though my "spiritual crisis" of sorts is actually just a repersentation of my failing as a follower of Christ, and as a part of "the Body". But then on the other hand I feel as though the above devotion "gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in [me] for utterance." I often feel as though this venue of expression has become difficult. The stories I once shared have turned from exciting, passionate tales to boring, uncomfortable, possibly contriversial, often redunant rantings about who, what, where, when, and why I believe what I believe. However, I also feel as though by not expressing whatever I am experiencing now, my experience as a whole would only be half represented. And then where would that leave us. To not talk about the struggles that come after such a life or such an experience seems almost a discredit to the life or experience. In the numerous conversations I've had with people lately, I've felt this sort of push to really delve into whatever it is that is happening in my mind and heart. I am slowly, but surely, learning to embrace such an idea instead of fearing it and discarding it immediatly. I am slowly begining to see the potential of such a "crisis". I imagine the depth that I could possibly gain, the peace, the contentment... I find so much freedom in realizing I am less concerned with "what I'll be" at the end of this, but more with, "who I'll be".

So, with that I say here is my struggle, I hope you find and accept your's too...
My new year brings with it a new beginning. And I hope to say this time next year that I am one step closer to wherever it is I am going. And that much more peaceful.

Happy Holidays.
Peace, joy, and safety to you.