Yesterday I embarked on a new journey. A journey that at this point is causing me to panic and fret. I went to the Community College of Philadelphia and took a placement test. I will register next week. I realized on Monday night that my next year at community college is hinged upon my decision of becoming a Certified Professional Midwife or a Certified Nurse Midwife. In a nutshell, CPMs are limited in practice opportunities but schooling is much less time, and money, while CNMs are able to practice in all 50 states with much greater opportunity, but I’d have to complete nursing school then get my masters in Midwifery. CPMs do mostly homebirths, which is what I would like to end up doing, while CNMs are able to work in hospitals, birth centers etc. There is much more to both of these professions than I am saying here, but these are the main pros and cons I have chosen for one reason or another to focus on. My first plan was to be a CPM. It seems to be more inline with things I believe in and want to practice. However I’d be limiting myself quite a bit in terms of freedom of where and when I practice. I feel as though the CNM route is daunting and expensive and time consuming, but in the end worth the extra effort.

In reality I am not really ready for this “year off” to be over. I returned from India over one year ago, and have been leaning on the label I’ve given it of- “recovery time”. I have grown used to my little jobs and freedoms and lifestyle. I am terrified to enter back into a world of school, and especially one evolving around nursing. I don’t want to be a nurse. I want to be a midwife. However, I am also afraid that once I get into this career I will hate is as much as I did the last month I was working at the Government Maternity Hospital in India. Granted the environment will be completely different. Perhaps another reason nursing school can benefit me. If I do end up hating midwifery again, which is unlikely, I can always fall back on geriatrics, which I love. To think about 6+ years of school with 6+ years of debt is enough to make me sick.

Sometimes people ask me about midwifery. Or about what it’s like to deliver a baby. It’s funny how I respond. Sometimes I surprise myself. The energy I produce when I think about it, or talk about it is shocking. Or the way I perk up when I see a pregnant woman and try to guess her gestation. I love how when I revisit my old text books from Australia I can get lost so quickly in them. Reading page after page of this amazing process. I want this. But I am afraid.

Just thinking of summer coming to a close scares me. So many changes. I feel as though I’ve created a bit of a dream world these last few months and see them slowly but surly changing and molding into a new world. A world that I am not ready to explore.

Summer has provided wonderful days of trips to the shore, picnics, and bbqs. Matt and I just got back last week from a week long camping trip. We spent one night at Big Run State Park in Maryland, one night in Black Water Falls State Park in West Virginia, two nights in Forked Run State Park in Ohio, and two nights in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia. We saw waterfalls, we hiked on the Appalachian Trail, we swam in lakes, we got sunburned, and we saw miles of beautiful scenery. It was so wonderful. I wish life could just be like camping, everyday outside, a new adventure, nothing to do but swim, hike, eat and sleep. But then I suppose summer wouldn’t seem so fun when it arrives.

So, fall is quickly approaching. And I will put away my swim suite and take out my pencils. We’ll see where this wild road to this new world takes me, and we’ll see how well I manage. I was telling someone the other day that I feel as though I have changed a lot since returning from my Birth Attendant School. I’ve had a year of just “being” and now its time to leave the nest for the first time with this new set of wings. Perhaps that is where most of my fear lies. I suppose the only way to test your flight ability is by simply trying to fly. I had a dream last night I was. It was terrifying, but I was laughing. The more I flew the better it felt and the faster I wanted to go. So……..