The other night at house dinner we had a discussion about who would be occupying our dear friend Jon O's old room, as he has left us to live with his wonderful new wife. A friend of ours works with refugees here in Philly and sent out a mass email Monday about a family of six coming into town from Iraq with no place to stay. Since their arrival was made known so last minute the agency had no place to house them. We decided that if need be they could stay with us, given the new extra room. One of the children, 6 years old, was in a wheel chair from an apparent shrapnel injury. Before we ate we spoke a bit about the happenings currently in China, and had a moment of silence to reflect on such things. As I sat there silently at the table I found it impossible to take myself to a place of solidarity. I tried for a moment to reconcile our realities, but in the end found the outcome to be only distant thoughts of a world far different than my own. Even now, dwelling on the state of the world at large, I simply cannot grasp it.
A dear friend of mine and I were talking this the other day. Some days I wonder if it's okay to be living life, as simply as I am presently. I have found such happiness in Philadelphia. The sources of which have seemingly nothing to do with ending world hunger or poverty or slavery... etc. I have somewhat subconsciously chosen to embrace my little micro world, living underneath the comfort of that overarching umbrella, shutting out the larger world around me. It's true that I cannot escape the pains of poverty and addiction as they surround us in our neighborhood, but I can ride pass them uncomfortably easy these days.
I suppose I am just baffled by the idea of happiness. I fear as though I've swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. From being all consumed by global sadness to being all consumed with personal happiness. Life looks so different here. I love it. But it's difficult for me to feel like I'm not just "wasting time". But then again, what else would I be doing, and why would I be doing it.
I sometimes feel like a broken record. I suppose I just can't shake that ever present, ever plaguing guilt that comes with happiness, safety, peace and health. My brain can not understand why. Perhaps it doesn't need to. Perhaps I need to just live, love and be happy. Or perhaps I need to do "something worth while", whatever that means.
This may or may not have been triggered by the recent visit of three dear friends from my Birth Attendant School. It has officially been one year since I returned to the states, and one year since I've seen these friends. I found it extremely wonderful, yet extremely awkward to see them again. It felt so out of context. Worlds colliding. They each represent so much of this old life that is seemingly so different then the one I'm currently leading. The woman I've become in the last year feels so drastically different than the one I was on the Birth Attendant School. I almost felt a sense of obligation to be that person again, and then I realized this was impossible. Which was actually alright, as these are dear friends who seemed to embraced my "new person".
A few days later...
Philadelphia. It's days like today that make me feel confident in my "day to day". I've started working at my community's non-profit thrift store- Circle Thrift. www.circlethrift.com I have enjoyed it so thoroughly since starting there, and I feel as though it will be good for me. I've enjoyed the interactions with the wide variety of people, the excitement of a robbery, the wonderful company of dear friends, and the sweetness of being forced to be a part of worlds you wouldn't enter otherwise. Today we had some developmentally disabled people come in and volunteer their time. As they were putting clothes away, figuring out what goes where, singing Bob Marley, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a sense of deep satisfaction. "This is not wasting time."
And to top it all off, we went on a wonderful picnic at one of my favorite spots in Philadelphia. I got pretty sunburned. But it was so wonderful. Happiness is a wonderful gift. And I am thankful.
I also applied to school today. Fall...
A dear friend of mine and I were talking this the other day. Some days I wonder if it's okay to be living life, as simply as I am presently. I have found such happiness in Philadelphia. The sources of which have seemingly nothing to do with ending world hunger or poverty or slavery... etc. I have somewhat subconsciously chosen to embrace my little micro world, living underneath the comfort of that overarching umbrella, shutting out the larger world around me. It's true that I cannot escape the pains of poverty and addiction as they surround us in our neighborhood, but I can ride pass them uncomfortably easy these days.
I suppose I am just baffled by the idea of happiness. I fear as though I've swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. From being all consumed by global sadness to being all consumed with personal happiness. Life looks so different here. I love it. But it's difficult for me to feel like I'm not just "wasting time". But then again, what else would I be doing, and why would I be doing it.
I sometimes feel like a broken record. I suppose I just can't shake that ever present, ever plaguing guilt that comes with happiness, safety, peace and health. My brain can not understand why. Perhaps it doesn't need to. Perhaps I need to just live, love and be happy. Or perhaps I need to do "something worth while", whatever that means.
This may or may not have been triggered by the recent visit of three dear friends from my Birth Attendant School. It has officially been one year since I returned to the states, and one year since I've seen these friends. I found it extremely wonderful, yet extremely awkward to see them again. It felt so out of context. Worlds colliding. They each represent so much of this old life that is seemingly so different then the one I'm currently leading. The woman I've become in the last year feels so drastically different than the one I was on the Birth Attendant School. I almost felt a sense of obligation to be that person again, and then I realized this was impossible. Which was actually alright, as these are dear friends who seemed to embraced my "new person".
A few days later...
Philadelphia. It's days like today that make me feel confident in my "day to day". I've started working at my community's non-profit thrift store- Circle Thrift. www.circlethrift.com I have enjoyed it so thoroughly since starting there, and I feel as though it will be good for me. I've enjoyed the interactions with the wide variety of people, the excitement of a robbery, the wonderful company of dear friends, and the sweetness of being forced to be a part of worlds you wouldn't enter otherwise. Today we had some developmentally disabled people come in and volunteer their time. As they were putting clothes away, figuring out what goes where, singing Bob Marley, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a sense of deep satisfaction. "This is not wasting time."
And to top it all off, we went on a wonderful picnic at one of my favorite spots in Philadelphia. I got pretty sunburned. But it was so wonderful. Happiness is a wonderful gift. And I am thankful.
I also applied to school today. Fall...
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i miss you.
Michaela