For Lent I've been trying to actively seek out "hope", and then document it when I find it. This has proved to be wonderfully easy as my time spent in Las Vegas and “in transit” seemed to be full of such encouragements. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt myself inclined to recognize them. It seems that I have been lacking hope and peace for a while now, and despite my efforts have not found any solution up until now. Then in Las Vegas last week, like a flood it hit me. As if the joys I’d been experiencing the last few weeks in Philly reminded me of the joys I once felt about Life. It was wild to come down from a “big picture” type worldview where the state of the world stole much of my joy, hope and peace, to a “smaller picture” worldview where all I could see was the beauty in my immediate surroundings—in the faces and hearts of friends, in songs, in words, in laughter, in buildings, in sunsets, in bike rides, in children… I feel as though my “Ecclesiastes” type attitude made these small gifts to be “vanity and a striving after the wind.” Then in a moment, as if a switch had been turned on or off, there it was—my hope, my joy, returned, or new, I couldn’t quite tell, but there it was. I felt like the mornings would never be long enough to write all I wanted to write, or hear all I wanted to hear, or say all I wanted to say. I felt utterly humbled as the weight of my questions, doubts and fears rested on my mind, while at the same time the weight of the presence of Love and Hope rested on my heart.

My confusion is still present, and seems to linger like fog around my mind, but I cling to the hope that I feel no matter how small, or inadequate it may very well be. It feels good to hope. And perhaps some days it’s okay to choose the hope and the joy over the questions of truth. I wonder if that’s what faith truly is? I wonder if I’m alright with that? Today I think I am. It feels quite good to be one of Hope and Joy, Peace and Love. And it feels even better to let the one of doubt, fear, anger, and bitterness fall to the ground in loving surrender.