And so it begins… The goodbyes, the packing, the suitcases, the boxes, the mixed emotions, the fears, the excitements... They have all, somehow, become so familiar. I was saying goodbye to a dear friend of mine the other day, and she began to cry. I felt so bad standing there, as if I would see her the next day. I wanted to tell her I was sad as well, that I wasn't hard, cold and numb, just watching her cry. I wanted to muster up something, any sign of sadness, but I feel as though my "goodbye" tears have run out. I have said too many "goodbyes" to too many loved ones, that now I feel as though that is simply what you do. You love---you leave.

It's been somewhat overwhelming to think about living in Philadelphia for more than six months. I have found it incredibly hard to pack…"for years"…"forever"… Give me a year, and I can bring one huge back pack. Give me forever, and I begin to explode. It's been wonderful to really go through the many boxes I have been graciously allowed to store in my parent's storage unit. I just dropped off four bags overflowing with clothes, bags, things… at the thrift store. I can hardly believe I have so much excess. After a week of sorting, packing, moving, cleaning, and giving, I still have ended up with more following me to Philadelphia than I had anticipated. I fear I will be quite overwhelmed when I arrive in Philadelphia only to find that my suitcases alone fill the tiny space Danielle and I will be sharing. It's comical really, thinking about this next month, moving in, and getting settled. It will be a test of my creativity, and ingenuity. I am excited for the challenge. (And a bit fearful for the outcome…)

I was looking into schools in Philadelphia. As the years continue, I find more and more that I want to go to school. I think I have found one that will suite me just fine for the first few years. I plan to get a job at a coffee shop, and learn the ropes before I commit to owning one. I have been dreaming about traveling the states and possibly Europe in search for creative, wonderful coffee shops/cafes/communities in which we can glean creative, wonderful things from. If you have any in mind, I would love to start mapping out possible adventures. I have heard about such wonderful businesses and communities, and would love to learn from, borrow from, and grow from each one. I hope that when Danielle and I are finally ready to open the doors of this dream, we'll be opening doors of excellence.

I find it a wee bit uncomfortable when people ask me about my world travels, and about midwifery, then ask me what's next. My response… "Philadelphia, school, (not nursing, but something general like liberal arts for the first few years) and a coffee shop", gets many confused faces. I have often wondered why I have taken such a random path to get to where I am. When people ask me why I am not continuing in midwifery, I often wonder myself. The other night I lay in my bed for hours just thinking about life, past, present, and future. As I was sorting through my things from my last year, I found my "expectations" for the Birth Attendant School, and what I wanted to do with the skills in the future. I was somewhat shocked by what I read. I said that I'd wanted to learn these skills so that I could teach other women, empowering them in their communities. I also said that I wanted to go on to learn about sustainable farming, and encourage sustainable communities world wide. I imagine this dream was born from visiting a sustainable orphanage in Nepal during the summer of 2005. But I began to realize that my desire for doing the Birth Attendant School was more about empowering women, and educating women than it was about delivering babies. (Though, I desperately miss delivering babies). Farming was more about empowering, and educating communities, than it was about animals and vegetables. I have a feeling that this coffee shop is more about educating and empowering than it is about coffee and tea.

I feel just as strongly about mother and child health and sustainable communities, as I do about Female Genital Mutilation, rape, female infanticide, child marriage, poverty, human rights, sex trafficking, education, art, music, commuity, war, and corrupted governments. I feel so honored to have done the things I've done in the past five years. I feel so thankful to have seen the things I've seen, done the things I've done, and I look forward to continuing the adventure in Philadelphia. It's amazing that I've done such scattered and different things over the past five years, and yet I somehow feel as though they are so connected. I feel as though each season I've lived through is slowly but surely getting me to where I need to go.

A good friend of mine from when I lived in Connecticut called me today. I realized how much has changed in my head, heart and life since 2004/05. How exciting to live another three to four years. I wonder what I will have done, and experienced by then, and how much closer I will be to finding my niche in this world. I love this journey. I love the wonderful, and the painful alike…as each has allowed me to blossom.

Merry Christmas.