This week I went to Las Vegas. I vowed when I was 12 or so to never return, but the dear friends I nanny for own a clothing company called Something Sacred (www.somethingsacred.com) and were going to a trade show called Pool. (www.pooltradeshow.com) To be honest I wasn't looking forward to the experience for a number of various reasons, but I knew when we started driving that I would enjoy myself. My friend Lealah, the mother of the two wee ones I take care of, has been a good friend for around five years now. She's prayed for me through out the years, encouraged me, helped me, loved me... and as we began to drive I realized just how blessed I was to be trapped in a vehicle with her for 8+ hours. Our conversation proved to be wonderful, and I found the imagery of the rain that was falling on the desert as we drove to be quite healing for me. There was even a rainbow at one point.
When we finally arrived we were thrilled to discover that the house we rented for the week was absolutely amazing, and out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the "Strip". There was a pool, a water fall, a hot tub, and plenty of room. During the day Jon and Lealah would go to the show and I'd watch the wee ones. We had so much fun playing in the pool. It was great because the three year old would tell me to do all of these tricks like swim underwater, jump into the pool, do flips underwater... I had the time of my life. He's a lot of fun. On Wednesday I was able to go walk the show myself. It was amazing to see the creativity of my peers. It's a fashion trade show so they had everything from t-shirts to jeans to dresses to sweatshirts to belts, bags, jewelry, shoes, hats... It was amazing to see the different designs, colors, fabrics, cuts... I love that the human mind can create such beautiful, creative, original things. Not to mention the fact that it was wild to just look at all of the different people. Everyone I encountered was so kind, and warm... not what I was expecting at a fashion thing... serves me right. There are some really amazing people in the fashion industry doing some really amazing things. I was really thankful to have gotten to go, and really thankful to have been proved wrong about Las Vegas, and the "trade show scene". It was equally wonderful to see some old friends like Gabe with Goodietwosleeves (www.goodietwosleeves.com), Jesse and Cory with Rise Up (www.riseupinc.org), Seth and Jeremy with 805 Collective (www.805collective.com) and Dillon with WollyHood. I love the creativity these people have. Some to make people laugh, some to make people think, some to help people out... all are changing the world in some way or another. I respect that. It was really and honor to see into the world they've each worked so hard to create for themselves.

I returned home tired, and pensive. Sometimes memories and blasts from the past can be quite draining. But I suppose they are needed for growth, healing, and movement forward. I thought a lot about what life used to be like, five years ago, and what it has become. I thought about working with City of Refuge in San Diego and discovering that my heart beats for the poor. I thought about Connecticut and how I learned to learn again... to study, to think, to struggle. I thought about India... about the orphanage in Pune and about those kids who stole my heart. I thought about Philadelphia, community, simplicity, friends. I thought about Australia, Egypt and India, about delivering babies, life, death, pain, poverty, friendship, brokenness, hope, miracles... I thought about California. I thought about friendships. I thought about what's next. The coffee shop, the nations, my blurred vision and dream. I thought about the five different people inside my one single body with hopes and dreams that seem to be so opposing, like being a nun, and being a wife, living in America and living in a developing nation, having a hut and owning a home... I wondered why I only have one life to live. I thought about love, about hope, about change and healing. I realized that I have changed. Those around me have changed.
I've struggled quite a bit since I've been home. I've felt more like a shell than myself. Emotion has lacked, compassion has lacked, motivation has lacked, love has lacked, even thought, creativity, music, art... they've all lacked. When we were driving through the desert Lealah reminded me of how important love is. Since then I feel as though it's come at me in difficult ways. Love is not always beautiful. I wonder if that is why I chose to be numb. Love is hard, but it is worth it. It produces growth, humility, life... It means loving friends in ways that make no sense, even letting them go... It means seeing hard things like death and pain in order to bring life and healing. It means patience, long suffering, hope, struggle, kindness, it trusts, it keeps no records of wrong, it never fails... even when it feels failed.
We went camping again last night. A dear friend of mine shared her views with me. She does not believe in God. She and another dear friend were sharing a very scientific, intellectual conversation. I can not be sure what, but something was said and I started to cry. I started to feel. And I realized in that moment just how in love with this God I truly am. Even in my numbness, confusion, and questions, I have a love that anchors me. It was powerful to feel this surge of "love" and "truth" overwhelm my body. They continued talking. All I could do was bask in the passion of it all. The raw emotion that hurt so badly, and yet was so powerfully healing. Despite my questions of pain, poverty, death, and hate, I found that in the moment they didn't matter. I knew, so clearly, so honestly in that moment that there was something so much greater than us, who's pain went far deeper than mine for the broken. And I realized that I still am desperately in love with Jesus. It just looks much different this time around. And I think that may be alright.
This season in California is turning out to be what I may have needed for the last few years. Like my good friend Cameron shared with me the other day... I'm just a flower in a field with nothing better to do than grow and give beauty to the world. And my God is beautiful.