I feel as though my pride is swallowing up this beautiful blog, as I find it painful to write about my absolutely “boring” life. From delivering babies in India to day to day in California. (scroll down to validate me…) And yet, life is what you make of it… Last week I was finally feeling as though I had a purpose again; I began to take care of the dearest elderly woman. She was so kind, so intelligent, and witty as anything. She made me laugh daily, and I really enjoyed waking every morning and driving the ever so long and beautiful journey to her house 40 minutes from mine. It seemed the perfect job- elderly care (one of my heart’s passions), a nice long drive (minus the tremendous gas prices out here), good company, the feeling that I was actually investing energy in something, and someone other than my self, and enough money to pay for necessities and save a bit as well. Not to mention it still gave me heaps of time with family and friends, something I’ve really appreciated since I’ve been back. Unfortunately most good things do come to an end, and this “perfect” job seemed to end much quicker than we had all expected. Due to very recent circumstances my dear friend and employer needed more care than I could provide… thus rendering me unemployed. I only found out last night. When I heard I felt as if this beautiful mass of terrifying openness was flooding my brain as I ran through all of my options… Thankfully I had gotten paid for the week before, but prior to that had something like 20 dollars in my account, with only 12 accessible. My feet were overcome with the desire to stomp like a two year old, my mouth with words like a sailor. What on earth was I doing, and where on earth was I going.

I called my best friend in Philly and told her. She wanted me there. I called my mom and told her. She wanted me here. I feel this unbearable tug, this pull, this tearing between places. I have a stronger desire to be here, for birthdays, holidays, family get- togethers, just to be available for my family at any given moment. But there will always be birthdays, if I stay till Christmas, then I must stay till February, but if I stay till February, I might as well stay till spring… there will always be something. And though my desire to stay in my home state is stronger than Philadelphia, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that I am to go. So when? With both sides pulling seemingly so hard, I feel as though I’d like to scratch them both, and run away to some remote village in India and deliver babies for the rest of my life. Oh, to run away… how sweet the sound.

Psalm 55:6-7

“And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
Selah…”

Amy and I went to see a musician called Ryan Adams in Santa Cruz last weekend. It was a good show, and the next day we went to the beach where I got royally sunburned and am loosing most of the top layer of my skin today. Brilliant, brilliant girl. One of the highlights of the weekend was seeing my dear, wonderful friend Acacia. Acacia did the Foundations of Community Development School in Perth, Australia the same time I did my Birth Attendant School. Being both from California we became instant friends and shared most days shooting the breeze. We were experiencing similar “life circumstances” at the time and I found quite a bit of comfort and peace in pouring my heart out to her. She’s one of the kindest, easiest people to talk to. I missed her so much after our good bye in Australia, and was overjoyed to see her this past weekend.

On the way home, Amy and I decided to take Highway One home from Santa Cruz, which wraps and winds itself around the beautiful cliffs of the Northern Pacific ocean. It’s one of my favorite highways in the entire world, because of its immense beauty, and nostalgia. At one point we were driving listening to Johnny Cash, and the landscape had just become swallowed by fog. I looked past the golden fields to the rocky shore, and past the rocky shore to the ocean. Suddenly I realized how deeply in love with Jesus I am. One of the struggles I’ve found in being home is a complete and utter apathy. In that moment, in the safety of the fog, and the voice of Johnny Cash, with the ocean to my right reminding me of how beautifully small I truly am, the apathy began to melt. I remembered the Lion I have been reading about, Aslan, and I began to slowly remember what love is, and why we feel it. He truly is a beautiful friend. Amy and I proceeded to drive home, in the company of the Holy Spirit, talking about our Savior, a person we seldom truly talk about anymore… And all of a sudden life made sense…

And so, here I am… in my parent’s house, looking out the window into a beautiful blooming garden, a short walk away from my favorite stretch of ocean, with an amazing family just a drive a way. And there she is… my future, Philadelphia, calling me, asking me, waiting for me.

Oh, sweet Savior whose love knows no bounds, give me wings like a dove that I may fly away and be at rest… where ever that place may be.

California, Philadelphia, Australia, Canada, Egypt, India, New Zealand, America, Germany, Hungary… I love you all. If I was able to break myself up into a million pieces I would, and send them to each one of you. Perhaps that is what Heaven is… happiness with friends and family all in one place… But for now I am one solid human being…with nowhere, and everywhere to go. Praise the Lord. What a beautiful, blessed life of opportunity. I am thankful for the gift, not weighed down by the “burden”.

“To whom much has been given much is required…” And so with that, onward I go…