Test anxiety... Every Monday we have an assessment exam, testing us on the things we learned the previous week. Today we took our second one. I noticed something... I get so affected by tests. All day Sunday, my stomach is in knots, I am terrified to study, then once I do, I have to pray the whole time for God's grace not to get overwhelmed. Especially this week, as last week we learned all about anatomy and physiology. I had to know all about the female and male reproductive systems, fertilization and development, hormones, the female pelvis, the fetal skull, urine testing, and the placenta. All things I find absolutely fascinating, and love to learn about. But tell me I'll be tested, and all of a sudden it becomes a burden, and I just start to sweat instantly. I studied late last night, then throughout today as well. We took our assessment today at 3:45. During it, I couldn't remember a few of the answers. Just a few out of so many... Yet, I couldn't handle the fact that I didn't know all of them. And slowly as I went along, my confidence, or what I had of it, began to fade, and I just became so discouraged. I began to feel so inadequate, stupid, unable. I chose to fail so often in education growing up that it's just ingrained in me that I'll fail. Even though when I did my worldview/theology school last year, I really felt like God broke that in me. He's been so gracious to me here as well. I love all that I've learned. I really understand it. Gnarly, complicated things have made sense to me... Yet I give myself no grace. I love that it's not about marks, or validation, or approval. It's about people. It's about serving. And if I can't remember all three layers of the placenta, It's okay because I can go back and learn it. A test isn't the end all of learning. I am capable. I love that I am capable. I love that I not only can do this, but because of God's grace, I can do this well.

After the test, I did some dishes (which always relieves my stress)and went back to my room. I voiced my struggle, and my roommate was quick to pray for me. I just cried... It was so freeing. Just to have that support. And someone to back me, fight for me in my sadness. Community is so amazing. This morning I couldn't find one of my books, and my roommate looked exactly where I looked and found it. I thought, "what on earth would I do without people?" I love that I need people. That I can't do this on my own. And even if I could, its so much better to do it with friends.

Psalm 133
"A song of ascents. Of David.
How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard, down upon the collar of his robes.

It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore."